Postnatal Blues

Ok, I’ve been meaning to write this post couple of weeks ago, but ofcourse being a mom- you literally have no time for anything other than investing your time in your little human being. So here I am, finally getting around to write this post!

I feel like what I am about to say is not just a ‘me’ problem but also other mother’s out there experience the same. If not, then maybe I’m just crazy lol.

I remember when I was pregnant, towards the last couple of weeks of my third trimester, I invested a lot of time reading and researching about labour. The thought of pushing out a little human being out of me was one of my absolute fears in life! So of course I wanted to be prepared, and although the circumstances were different, as I mentioned in my birth story, I spent most of my time preparing for that labour.

Don’t get me wrong, going through labour is one of the most difficult things you will ever endure, but those first few weeks of your baby’s life are amongst one of the most difficult things you will ever imagine. Well, for me anyway.

Through out my pregnancy, I NEVER prepared for what life AFTER birth would be like. Especially going through an emergency caesarean, I was definately not prepared for that, and boy! did life become so hard after that. It honestly felt like I was thrown into the deep end and left there to die. (Ok, maybe a tad bit dramatic, but you know what I mean! lol) ..

I remember the day we were finally discharged from the hospital, I was so excited to go home! I mean, who wouldn’t be? The pain of the caesarean was so unbearable and at that point, struggle was definately real for me. Those stitches were so painful that even the recovery process did not even feel like it was getting anywhere. I found it so difficult to get in and out of bed, changing sleeping positions, going to the bathroom, oh and let’s not even talk about putting on clothes. I honestly felt like a prisoner in my own body.

I remember the first night we were home, I went for a shower and I just bursted out crying. Thank goodness the shower was loud and nobody could hear me. I was just in so much pain, felt really helpless and basically just felt sorry for myself. Every part of my body was aching and it felt like it wasn’t getting better.

Oh! let’s talk about breastfeeding. Part of my role at work includes infant nutrition, so I had some knowledge about breastfeeding and what I needed  to prepare myself for. However, all those information never prepared me for the PAIN that breastfeeding will bring. In my head, I was like what’s the big deal? all you need to do is, establish a good latching position, feed your baby and voila! done! piece of cake! Oh no no no..I was in so much pain that I dreaded every time my baby would cry because she was hungry.

It got to a point where I would find myself crying for most parts of the day, for what seems like no reason at all. I don’t think anyone is ever prepared for raising a new born other than to just get on with it! I remember our first night being transferred to the birthing unit, my husband nor my mother was not allowed to stay with baby and I. Oh gosh was that the hardest night of my life! Being in so much pain, having to take care of a baby and being on my own was so depressing! I literally cried for most parts of the night.

Then there’s the taking out baby task. Oh my goodness, it is SO difficult to go out with a baby. Even sitting her in the carseat freaks me out! Having her in the carseat seems like the most uncomfortable position ever so I would sit with her at the back seat and check on her every minute to see if she’s breathing. I try and sleep when she’s asleep but for some reason I can’t. I’m worried that something might happen while I’m asleep, you know, the attached, possessive, worried about every little thing phase every mother has, or is it just me? lol

These were the sort of things I wasn’t really prepared for. I spent most of my time preparing for  a natural birth which I did not get to experience. Life after birth is definately one of the hardest things I found myself struggling with. However, things did get a lot easier for me, I realised I needed to be around my family. My husband’s support was also helpful but sometimes a girl just needs her mom. I am so grateful for my mom!! Being a mom now, made me appreciate all the little things she’s done for me. It made me appreciate her hard work and especially her strength! I love you mom.

Glad to say, it did get easier! I love being a mom to my little girl. The feelings and joys that comes with it, is so rewarding. Sometimes I find myself staring at her while she’s asleep and thinking to myself, I am the luckiest person on this earth.

To my girl, you are worth every pain and I would go through it all over again just for you.

Love always,
Mom xo